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Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Ask for What I Want In the Bedroom?

When you feel unfulfilled behind closed doors it can be difficult to speak up and tell your partner the truth.

couple discussing their sexual desires

Q: My partner is well-meaning, but he doesn’t know how to please me in the bedroom. How can I tell him what I want without offending him?

A: Many women struggle with asking their partners for what they want in the bedroom. Part of the problem is that women are used to being people-pleasers, even when it comes to sex. They shy away from owning their own pleasure and voicing their own needs, even though this cheats them out of enjoying sexual release and damages their relationships. Believe it or not, most men say their number-one sexual priority is making sure their partner is satisfied. Yep, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on, so it’s great that you are stepping up to the plate and looking for ways to help him do that.

First, make sure that you never, ever, fake orgasm. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are also being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you and when you deny him the right to do so, you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will find yourself more tense and irritable with him. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a woman to quietly resent her partner for not fulfilling her, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the “little white ones”) have no place in your relationship.

Skip all that deception and get right to the heart of the issue. Do so tactfully and subtly. For example, if you are watching a movie and you see a sultry sex scene that gets your heart racing, why not lean over to your partner and say, “I’d love to try that position with you tonight.” Or, if you are thumbing through a women’s magazine and see an article on sex tips that catches your eye, clip it out for him to read with a note that says, “Hope you are ready for this later!”

Next, you might try a hands-on approach…literally! When you are in the middle of a hot-and-heavy encounter and he seems to be missing your hot spots, pull back and say “I want to give you a sexy show.” Then, self-stimulate, being very careful to show him just how you like to be touched down there. Or, you might initiate a 69 session in which you tell him to imitate the licks and strokes you use on him. That way, you will both be receiving pleasure and he will be able to follow your lead.

You can also create a “fantasy box,” in which you each write down naughty and sexy fantasies. Slip them in the box and whenever things get humdrum, reach in and grab one of the slips of paper. Act it out to the best of your ability and bring your naughtiest desires to life!

Most importantly, just make sure that you are upfront and honest when trying to communicate your needs. Your partner wants to please you…help him out already!

Dr. Laura Berman

This is a topic that hits home to thousands of people across the nation, I being one of them and I felt compelled to post this article by well known sex therapist/counselor Dr. Laura Berman.

Do you have this problem, and if so what have you done about it?

– Jennifer Martin

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Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

  • Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
  • Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
  • Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
  • Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

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No matter how long you’ve been together, every relationship needs a healthy dose of flirting.

When most people think of flirting, they tend to think of their early days of dating when capturing each other’s attention and affection was of the utmost importance. However, flirting plays just as important a role in long-term relationships as it does before a couple’s attraction grows into love and turns into deep commitment. Without flirting, affectionate touches, and playful teasing, couples risk losing the spark and passion that separates romantic partners from platonic friends.

Here are ten easy ways to bring flirting back to your relationship:

Seduce Him

Remember when you used to get ready for a date by buying new lingerie or booking a blow-out at the salon? Get back to those days when you had so much fun seducing him, and allow yourself to experience the confidence boost that comes from looking and feeling your best.

Compliment Him On Something Unexpected

He knows that you find him attractive, but when is the last time you complimented his sexy forearms or marveled at his kisses or the way he holds you? Give him an unexpected compliment and you will boost his mood — and his ego — for the rest of the day.

Be Hands-On…Literally!

Grab his hand in the middle of the supermarket, stroke his thigh under the dinner table, or sexily hop on his lap while you are watching television. Touch him every chance you get, and seize all opportunities to be physically close. Let him know, clearly, that you can’t keep your hands off him.

Have a Naughty Fantasy

Sometimes the best way to rev up your sexual energy is to spend more time focusing on sexy thoughts. Allow yourself to have a naughty fantasy or read some erotica to inspire your sexual imagination, and then channel that surge of sexuality into your relationship by flirting with your mate.

Send a Flirty Text

Technology can sometimes serve as a distraction in a relationship, but it can also be used creatively to generate some sexy sparks between you and your partner. Send him a text during the middle of the day that says, “I can’t stop thinking about your …” or text him during the middle of a double date and say, “Let’s get out of here so we can be alone.”

Be More Vocal

Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so when he does something you love inside the bedroom (or outside the bedroom), speak up (in words and groans of delight) to let him know. Positive feedback is one of the best ways to generate more good vibrations. Just acknowledging your pleasure strengthens sexual attraction and intensifies your flirty behavior, and he will take it as a compliment.

Lose Some of the Clothes

If you are in the habit of wearing sweats to bed, it might be time to swap out your usual nightwear for something a little sexier. Rethink your bedroom wardrobe and opt to slip into a teddy or a sexy pair of boyshorts and casually put lotion on your legs while he watches…riveted.

Go Ahead, Flirt With the Waiter

(A little.) While flirting can sometimes cross the line — and cheating is never okay — a little flirtation with other men can go a long way to remind your mate how irresistible you are. Just be super-nice to the waiter or the mailman. It can give you a boost of confidence to see that other men find you sexy, and it will make your partner doubly glad that you are going home with him!

Share Fantasies

Take the chance to exchange some of your most erotic  imaginings with the idea of being open to trying them out. Tell your partner exactly what you want him to do, and then ask him to tell you as well. It will be highly erotic to discuss these hidden fantasies and will lead to you both receiving the touches and strokes you desire.

Be Bold and Make the First Move

Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move. If you want more flirting in your relationship, then you need to take the initiative and start flirting yourself. Your partner will likely respond by matching your playful, sexy mood. And flirting will become more organic and natural in your relationship.

 

 

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

10 Ways to Flirt With Your Mate

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Erectile difficulties are common with age, but there are ways to safeguard your sexual health.

Sex undergoes a transformation for both men and women as their bodies gets older and hormone levels change. Men might find that it takes longer to gain an erection or that orgasms are not as intense. They might also find that the refractory time — the period of time after orgasm in which it takes a man to achieve an erection again — increases.

In addition, it is not uncommon for a male’s sexual identity to go through some changes with age. Once a driving force in their lives, sex might become less of a priority or simply less frequent because it is not as enjoyable or an erection isn’t easily attainable.

Some men are willing to take this in stride — it’s as if they believe that sex has an expiration date! Fortunately, this is not the case, and there are many ways to help ensure that you enjoy healthy erections and powerful orgasms throughout your life.

Consider the following:

Talk to your doctor. If you are experiencing sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction, then it’s important to talk to your doctor. Not only will your doctor be able to offer you invaluable treatment, but erectile dysfunction can also be a sign of other health issues — such as vascular disease. Your sexual health is inherently tied to your physical and emotional health, so it’s important to make sure that your body is functioning at its best across the board.

Change your expectations. If you believe that your sexual experiences are going to suffer due to aging, then you are likely to live up (or down) to those expectations. However, the truth is that there is no reason to suppose that your sexual enjoyment has to end just because you are aging. Certainly, things will slow down a little and you might have to put in a little more effort, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to enjoy your sexuality and connect with your partner in a physical way.

Liberate yourself. As people age, they find that certain sex positions are no longer possible or comfortable. This is particularly true if you suffer from mobility issues or sore joints. Luckily, there are tools out there that can help you to circumvent these problems. Consider the Liberator, sex furniture that offers a variety of different shapes, sizes, and angles to help treat everyone’s unique physical concerns.

Take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself physically, you will feel the effects of this in the bedroom. But if you eat a healthy diet, exercise, effectively manage stress, and get a good night’s sleep every night, you will be more primed for sexual activity. You should also make sure that you are taking your medications correctly and ask your doctor about possible sexual side effects from your current prescriptions. (Blood-pressure medications, chemotherapy drugs, diuretics, antidepressants, and antihistamines are just a few of the prescriptions that have been linked with sexual side effects.)

Stay in tune with your sexual side. Part of the reason that aging is associated with lack of sexual activity is because people lose their partners as they age and find themselves facing singledom for the first time in decades. It’s important not to allow your grief to prevent you from finding love and affection in the future; but until you feel ready to begin dating again, you should consider staying in tune with your sexual needs through self-stimulation. Sex really works on a “use it or lose it” basis; so if you allow your sexuality to fall by the wayside during this time, it will be more difficult to recapture it again in the future.

Remember, there is no reason why you can’t enjoy sex well into your golden years and beyond. There is no such thing as a sexpiration date!

For Guys: Erections and Aging

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Female sexuality is mysterious, so it’s no wonder that men struggle to understand a woman’s sexual responses.

The female body is complicated and mysterious, and this is especially true when it comes to sex and orgasm. Many women don’t understand their anatomy or sexual response, so it’s no surprise that men are even more baffled about what makes a woman tick sexually. And, thanks to myths and urban legends, misinformation only further complicates a man’s understanding of the female body.

Here are the top-ten female-orgasm myths that many men still believe:

Intercourse Should Always Lead to Orgasm

Intercourse alone usually does not lead to orgasm. Only 30% of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone. The rest need added clitoral stimulation to achieve pleasure.

All Positions Are Created Equal

Not so! There are some positions that make female orgasm much more likely, such as woman-on-top, as it gives her the added clitoral stimulation she needs to reach orgasm.

Women Can Easily Reach Orgasm

Pornography and Hollywood movies make the female orgasm seem effortless and straightforward. However, the truth is that most women need up to 20 minutes to become aroused and orgasmic, which is why foreplay is so important.

Vibrators Are a Replacement for a Man

Sex aids can help to greatly improve your partner’s sexual experience as well as your own. However, vibrators are not a replacement for a man, and they cannot help your partner achieve the same feelings of intimacy and pleasure.

Women Don’t Like Quickies

While most men can reach orgasm faster than a woman can, this doesn’t mean that quickies aren’t fun or that they cannot serve a purpose in your relationship. If you don’t have time for foreplay or a full-on sex session, a quickie can keep you bonded and close for the time being.

Condoms Complicate Sex and Delay Orgasms

Recent advancements in condom manufacturing have make condoms thinner and less noticeable than ever before.

You Can Always Tell if a Woman Is Faking

Not always! Some women deserve an Oscar for their acting performances; however, it’s important to remember that faking orgasm cheats both of you. Ask your partner if she likes what you are doing or if she needs a different touch to reach orgasm.

Women Like Only Soft, Gentle Sex

Sometimes they do, but sometimes they also want sex that is more animalistic and wild. Explore that side of your partner’s fantasies by asking her what she wants and taking the lead.

Women Can Easily Achieve Multiple Orgasms

Unlike a man, a woman doesn’t need a refractory period before she can be orgasmic again. However, it’s not always easy to achieve one orgasm, let alone many! Hence, while some women are multi-orgasmic, not every woman knows how to harness that power. Practice makes perfect!

The Goal of Sex Is to Have an Orgasm

Don’t think of orgasm as the destination. Sex should be about the journey and being in the moment. Stay attuned to your partner’s body and the sensations of closeness and passion, and let your orgasm and hers happen when they happen. Remember, there is no “right” time or way to achieve orgasm. Every individual and every orgasm is unique.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

The Top 10 Female Orgasm Myths…That Men Still Believe

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We crave our partner’s touch for a variety of reasons.

 

 

Touch is the most conspicuous of the five senses when it comes to exploring sex. Unlike with the other senses, sex simply cannot happen on a physical level in the absence of touch.

However, touch is far more than intercourse alone. The bonds of intimacy are woven through many different kinds of touch — including a familiar pat on the back, a quick squeeze of the hand and the somnolent cuddling that puts us in full-body contact with a lover. Inside the bedroom and out, touch is a powerhouse for intimacy.

The Science of Touch  Biological anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, a research professor in the department of anthropology at Rutgers University, eloquently writes in her book The Anatomy of Love: “Human skin is like a field of grass, each blade a nerve ending so sensitive that the slightest graze can etch into the humanbrain a memory of the moment.” The act of touching is a physiological and hormonal phenomenon that paves the way to good sex. Physical contact releases oxytocin, appropriately nicknamed the cuddle hormone. Since oxytocin spikes in response to touching, the more you touch, the better you feel and the more you want to touch.

When Words Won’t Work, Try Touch  Touch communicates in a way that words can’t. As women, we want to talk things out when faced with a relationship hurdle (often until we’re hoarse!). Men can find this to be more than a little frustrating. Sometimes, nonverbal communication is far more powerful than anything we could say. Touch can make words superfluous. Have you ever had a truly magical kiss? Or how about the wonderful feeling of your partner’s embrace when you least expect it? Touch sends the “I love you” message to our brains and relaxation to our bodies. This is so important to remember, especially when words have been pushing you and your partner apart, rather than together.

Being wanted and desired is what most of us long for at the end of the day. When intimacy breaks down, touch can fall by the wayside. Too many couples get caught in a sexual and emotional standoff: he’s not getting the physical contact he wants and she’s not getting the emotional intimacy she wants. Touch can help end the stalemate.

Use Touch to Get What You Both Want  When you take the lead and act more affectionate, your partner is going to feel loved and noticed and, as a result, will be more responsive to you. Women tend to crave more nonsexual touching, like a little backrub on the couch or holding hands as we do a daily errand together. He’ll start to get the idea if you initiate more contact with him (not to mention give him some extra loving in the bedroom!).

Of course, touch heightens the sensory experience during sex too. Skin is the largest organ we have. Almost any body part can feel sexual if touched in the right way. Try blindfolding each other and take turns touching and being touched to soak up the sensation. Also, experiment with textures like silk sheets or a feather tickler.

Touch can open up a whole new world for your relationship: Just reach out and touch yoursomeone…

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Love Is a Hands-on Experience

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When it comes to food, what’s good for your health may also be good for your sex life!

The mouth is an erogenous zone. Eating is a sensual prelude to what comes next, and a kiss is a passionate sampling of each other’s taste.

The choices we make when hungry nourish the sexual appetite too. Choosing the right food (and drink) primes your body for optimal sexual function in general. Junk food makes the body feel sluggish, while too many simple carbs can deplete your energy. Eating frequent, nutritious meals is the best way to support your libido; it’ll keep your body fit and your mind lively.

Simple Solutions to Rev Up Your Sexual Engines  Three small changes can make a big difference: Choose whole grains instead of refined white-flour bread and crackers, increase your intake of good fats (such as nuts, avocados, olive oil) while reducing bad fats (like butter and fatty meats), and eat smaller quantities of food every three hours. Your tastes will adjust over time, and so will your libido.

However, eating shouldn’t be all about discipline. Food is one of the greatest sensual pleasures we have. Chocolate was recently discovered by Italian researchers to trigger the samebrain chemicals as an orgasm and is now a sexy-food mascot. Taste, like the other senses, stirs our sexual center.

It’s Not Just What You Eat, but How You Eat It  When you eat sensually, enjoying each bite, and appreciating a food’s unique texture and flavor, you transform a daily ritual into seduction at its finest. The mouth is a portal to pleasure. Try having a sensual picnic with your partner instead of your usual date-night fare. Sit on the floor, rather than at the table, and let fingers be your utensils. Foods that are colorful and sensual like strawberries, papayas, and avocados evoke the feminine mystique. Bananas, carrots, and celery evoke his. Be sure to include a variety of textures and flavors for the whole experience: salty and sweet, crunchy and soft.

Eating with your partner is a ritual of connecting and communication and can conclude with great sex after dinner. But there’s no reason to skip dessert. Bring some honey, hotfudge, or whipped cream into the bedroom. I’ll leave it to you to decide where to put it. Just remember that it can serve to guide your partner’s attention to an overlooked area!

There’s More Than One Way You Taste  Let’s face it, you can’t talk about sex without thinking of ways we taste each other as well. When things start sizzling between the sheets, many worry about flavors. You want to be a delicacy yourself and savor your partner in every way, too. But is there a recipe for this sort of deliciousness?

As it turns out, what’s good for general health is also good for sexual health. To be a tasty morsel yourself, you must make the right choices when eating. Lots of water is the main ingredient. It detoxifies and cleanses the body, helping to keep every part in peak condition. Go easy on alcohol, nicotine, and coffee, which can be taste spoilers. And finally, fruits and vegetables lend a sweetness that is anything but sour or bitter. Just stay away from the asparagus!

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Matters of the Mouth Figure Prominently in Sex

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Sound has power in and out of the bedroom, and it’s a crucial part of your communication with your partner.

 

 

Whether you are whispering sweet nothings or shouting your love from a mountaintop, there’s no denying theaudible impact on feelings of attraction. Yet even before we hear the content of what someone has to say, our auditory processing draws on biological clues and patterns to determine our attraction reaction. In fact, several studies have shown that the qualities of our voices transmit important details about attraction, health, and fertility to potential partners.

How Low Can He Go

According to research, men with deeper voices are more appealing to women. Studies have shown that with all other physical characteristics being equal, men with deeper voices were rated as more attractive. Perhaps it’s the association with testosterone, which makes the voice more masculine at puberty.

For women, it also turns out their voices are rated as more attractive when they’re most fertile. In some studies, women’s voices were rated as most attractive during ovulation and least attractive during menstruation. For women, voice pitch depends a lot on estrogen, which is the female hormone produced by the ovaries. So, high levels of estrogen result in higher-pitched voices.

And what about accents, speed, and inflection? Studies show that we judge fast talkers as more educated and those with varied inflection as more interesting. Pitch correlates only loosely with height but, as we said above, is closely tied to hormone levels — meaning it’s a good indicator of fertility or dominance, as well as health and attractiveness.

Now That You’ve Found Your “Sound Mate”

Beyond all the science, it’s crucial to close your eyes and listen to your partner. How does his voice make you feel? Words are like invisible hands that arouse the body in unexpected ways. Men especially love to hear the sounds of an enthusiastic partner. And stretching yourself to be more verbal in bed can boost your own arousal. You’re talking yourself toward new heights of sexual satisfaction.

It’s not simply about talking dirty. It’s about finding your comfort zone and expressing what you are feeling and craving. Sex is often off-limits for discussion, which makes it even more provocative once you get comfortable doing it. If you are feeling shy, start out by doing it over the phone or in a moment when you know it can’t go any further, such as when you’re rushing out the door for work in the morning.

Then move on to saying it while in bed. If you start judging yourself or feeling silly, mentally push yourself into the moment. What do you want him to do to you right now? Think about the sensations you are feeling in your body. Then tell him! Moan and coo when he does something you enjoy; exclaim when you are feeling pleasure. Pay attention to each other’s breathing and its power to communicate. Chances are he will be inspired by your example.

Make it a point to tune in: Sound is a sensory delight. So turn up the volume for great sex and a great relationship!

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Sound Impacts Our Love Lives

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Our eyes often lead us to pursue our passions, love, and desires.

 

From “love at first sight” to “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” our language is filled with expressions that capture sight’s crucial role in our romantic lives.

A person’s appearance often inspires romantic interest in the first place. A certain someone catches our eye and we’re off! The brain gets all wound up and the heart goes aflutter. The pursuit of love, or at the very least sex, is ignited by the delicious sense of sight. We write a love letter, buy new lingerie, and sensually undress, all in worship of the wonders of sight.

There are far subtler ways that sight bewitches and beguiles. Eye contact is a primary communicator of interest or a lack thereof. When we fancy someone, we usually look and look away before maintaining eye contact for just slightly longer than normal.

When you see someone you like, make a point to linger just a little once you make eye contact, if only for a few seconds. And it’s not just for seducing new love interests. Send your current partner a strong message by looking deeply into his eyes while across the dinner table or at a crowded party with your friends. Think intimate thoughts and he’ll feel the burn of your gaze.

Look into the Heart of the Soul  A tantric technique known as soul-gazing is used to transmit sexual energy and healing. Give it a try! Sit comfortably facing your partner and gaze into each other’s eyes. Focus on the left eye, above the heart. You can place a hand over each other’s heart to synchronize your breathing too. You’ll find the eyes make a straight line to the heart.

Guys Lead With Their Eyes  When it comes to sexuality, men are known to be more visual beings than women. Evolutionary theory has it that physical appearance was the best way for prehistoric man to size up a fertile mate. The markers of such fertility still ring true today:healthy skin, bright eyes, symmetrical features, even childbearing hips. We haven’t strayed too far from the caveman ideal.

However, sight is the supreme sex sense for women too, but in another way. Our own body-image drives our experience as sexual beings. A woman’s body-image is formed early in life. How we are perceived by others, be they parents, peers, or other important people in our lives, plays a powerful role in our image of ourselves. At puberty, our looks become meaningful in a way we may not have been aware of earlier. It is both powerful and destructive.

As women, we are so vulnerable to sight that it drives our sexual feelings, as well as how we feel about ourselves. We prepare our bodies and faces for visual inspection by shaving our legs, choosing the right outfit, and doing our hair and makeup. It’s a self-esteem thing that drives our sexual confidence inside the bedroom and out.

The good news is that most women come into a sense of their own as they get older. It’s true — and somewhat ironic — that women report feeling more confident in their appearance at middle age than they did when they were younger and more “conventionally attractive.” It’s as if we discover a confidence we never knew existed. We finally see our own beauty, as others have seen it in us for years.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Our Eyes Can Shape the Way We Feel

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Although men and women both experience increased blood flow to the genitals when aroused, the process of getting to orgasm is different.

 

When men and women become aroused, our bodies change in perceptible and imperceptible ways to prepare for intercourse. As we become aroused, our bodies go into the “excitement” phase. Your breath will become shorter and faster and your heart rate will increase. If you continue being aroused, you will move into the “plateau” phase.

In this stage, the vagina will swell and become lubricated, while a man’s penis will become engorged with blood. The woman’s cervix will actually rise slightly, in preparation for penetration.

The next stage is the “climax” phase, when intense feelings of pleasure begin and you lose voluntary muscle control. You and your partner will experience genital muscle contractions and a sense of euphoria.

Finally, you move to the “resolution” phase. Your breathing and heart rate return to normal and blood flows away from the genital region, returning both of your genitals to their pre-sex state.

Although the male and female bodies respond to sex similarly (through increased blood flow to the genitals, etc.), our minds might be prepped differently for intercourse.

According to urban legend, men think about sex every three minutes. Men don’t necessarily have thoughts about the sexual act this often, but they are having thoughts of a sexual quality. For instance, they may see a woman walk down the street and wonder what her breasts look like without a bra or what another looks like naked. When it comes to sex, men are generally like sprinters, easily stimulated and ready to run the lap as fast as their legs can pump. Once the lap is completed, they must rest before they can perform again. Women, on the other hand, are like marathoners — it takes us a while to get warmed up, but once we get going, we can last for hours and hours!

While some men can become orgasmic in less a few a minutes, women can take up to 20 minutes to reach their arousal peak. You can manage this difference in arousal sequence by being more hands-on when it comes to achieving your own needs in the bedroom. For instance, if you know that you only have time for a quickie before the kids come home from school, choose a position in which you can help yourself along through clitoral stimulation.

Most importantly, ladies, remember that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm! No matter how or when you have an orgasm (after intercourse, before intercourse, manually, orally, etc.), just embrace the pleasure and the bond it creates! Don’t worry about whether it is expertly choreographed, as sex rarely occurs so smoothly. And, if it did, it wouldn’t be very interesting, now would it?

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Orgasms for Everyone: How Men and Women Become Aroused