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Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Ask for What I Want In the Bedroom?

When you feel unfulfilled behind closed doors it can be difficult to speak up and tell your partner the truth.

couple discussing their sexual desires

Q: My partner is well-meaning, but he doesn’t know how to please me in the bedroom. How can I tell him what I want without offending him?

A: Many women struggle with asking their partners for what they want in the bedroom. Part of the problem is that women are used to being people-pleasers, even when it comes to sex. They shy away from owning their own pleasure and voicing their own needs, even though this cheats them out of enjoying sexual release and damages their relationships. Believe it or not, most men say their number-one sexual priority is making sure their partner is satisfied. Yep, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on, so it’s great that you are stepping up to the plate and looking for ways to help him do that.

First, make sure that you never, ever, fake orgasm. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are also being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you and when you deny him the right to do so, you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will find yourself more tense and irritable with him. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a woman to quietly resent her partner for not fulfilling her, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the “little white ones”) have no place in your relationship.

Skip all that deception and get right to the heart of the issue. Do so tactfully and subtly. For example, if you are watching a movie and you see a sultry sex scene that gets your heart racing, why not lean over to your partner and say, “I’d love to try that position with you tonight.” Or, if you are thumbing through a women’s magazine and see an article on sex tips that catches your eye, clip it out for him to read with a note that says, “Hope you are ready for this later!”

Next, you might try a hands-on approach…literally! When you are in the middle of a hot-and-heavy encounter and he seems to be missing your hot spots, pull back and say “I want to give you a sexy show.” Then, self-stimulate, being very careful to show him just how you like to be touched down there. Or, you might initiate a 69 session in which you tell him to imitate the licks and strokes you use on him. That way, you will both be receiving pleasure and he will be able to follow your lead.

You can also create a “fantasy box,” in which you each write down naughty and sexy fantasies. Slip them in the box and whenever things get humdrum, reach in and grab one of the slips of paper. Act it out to the best of your ability and bring your naughtiest desires to life!

Most importantly, just make sure that you are upfront and honest when trying to communicate your needs. Your partner wants to please you…help him out already!

Dr. Laura Berman

This is a topic that hits home to thousands of people across the nation, I being one of them and I felt compelled to post this article by well known sex therapist/counselor Dr. Laura Berman.

Do you have this problem, and if so what have you done about it?

– Jennifer Martin

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When is the best time to have sex? Most couples tend to think of nighttime, but you might be surprised to learn that there is even a more appropriate time to get busy.

 

 

Does your sex life need a wake-up call? If you and your sweetie are finding that daily stresses are taking their toll, morning sex may be just the answer you’re looking for.

You’re more rested and recharged after a night of sleep, and the two of you have been spending quality time lying next to each other all night long. The groundwork for intimacy has been laid, not to mention that you’re already in the right location. All you need to do is make that first move!

Another perk of sex in the a.m. is the effect of higher testosterone levels — they’re at their peak first thing in the morning. Remember, testosterone is fuel for the libido and improves genital sensation. Morning sex not only feels better, but the resulting endorphin high can put a smile on your face that lasts the rest of the day. So wake up and make a move in the morning!

Flirting in the A.M. and Beyond

Switching up your sexual routine might get you thinking about your partner in a whole new light. Flirting is oft-neglected in long-term relationships yet is a crucial part of staying sexually connected. Awakening your partner with a good-morning kiss is flirtatious, but when you turn that good morning kiss into good morning oral, you have definitely taken things to the next level. Consider other flirting tips:

Let your partner know you want her, such as by sending her a sexy text during the day. Make it as sweet or as naughty as you want, just remember to make your desire for her clear. Nothing is sexier than knowing that your partner wants you. Keep this sexual energy flowing by exchanging perfunctory pecks for deep, sensual kisses, and stay connected physically by touching her more often. Hold hands, make-out in the back of the movie theater, snuggle together on the couch as you watch television, and make time in the morning for some a.m. action.

Treat each other like lovers, not roommates. After years of living together, it’s easy to slip into a habit of wearing old sweatpants, letting your grooming slip, or even forgetting to shut the bathroom door. This can really wreak havoc on your relationship. Not only will you not feel sexy and desirable, but your partner won’t feel that you are sexually interested in him and his sexual self-esteem can suffer as a result. It’s important to treat each other as lovers, and not slip into a platonic roommate routine.

Get ready for date night. Ask your babysitter to come over an hour before you actually have to leave the house. This will give you time to get ready a leisurely pace and relax before the date. Take some time for yourself and maybe even take a hot bath. Get sexy energy flowing by reading a chapter or two of an erotic romance novel while you are in the tub, or just wear that sexy bra and panty set you have been saving for a special occasion.

What are you waiting for? Get your flirt on!


Jumpstart Your Day With Morning Sex

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A good kiss can make all your nerve endings tingle or may open the door to lasting love. We often use a kiss to gauge the potential for a bed mate, or a life mate.

What’s in a Kiss?
It’s a way of testing the waters, sampling the goods — before you commit.

It all starts with a kiss. Whether long and sensual or short and sweet, a kiss is the ultimate form of sensual expression.  If done right, a kiss can light the flames of passion; if done wrong, it can bring adelicious infatuation to a less-than-rousing end. A kiss is the doorway to what comes next.

Many women will tell you that a kiss is the ultimate deal-breaker. A good kiss is both a matter of personal style athe undetectable chemicals of attraction that work through our sense of smell. The kiss delivers us to the most primal parts of our minds, which may be why there is so much potential for satisfaction and disappointment. nd what feels right for the moment. But what is it about a smooch that can send you to the stars or smack you right back down to earth?
A kiss puts you in close proximity with a partner’s skin and scent. Skin is the delivery site for pheromones —
For many, kissing is one of few sexual acts they’ve engaged in with a wide range of people. Again, since a kiss can make or break an attraction, it is often the case that we end up kissing far more people than we bed. It’s the supreme technique of sampling the goods with little emotional or physical investment.
So just how much experience are most of us getting? A nationwide survey conducted by Close-Up toothpaste got up close and personal with 2,200 men and women to shed some light on our modern kissing habits. It seems that men and women are definitely getting their practice in: The average woman kisses 17.5 men before she settles down and the average man kisses 24 prospects before he locks lips forever. Women rh for introducing it to us. The term actually entered the English language in 1923, in honor of the très   passionate country. I suspect the French kiss was around long before anything — or anyone — French.

The study also considered geographic differences in kissing trends. Evidently the best place to live if you are an active kisser is in the Northwest, where people exchange more kisses per day (5.5) than anywhere else in the country.  The Northeasterners are the most confident in their kissing abilities.  Wondering about the Midwest?  It seems they’re the most honest in relationships.  They’re more likely than any other region to confess to a partner after making out with someone else — not to mention that they’re late bloomers. Compared to the rest of the nation, the first kiss of a Midwesterner comes somewhere between 16 and 18 years old, about five years later than the smoochers in Hawaii.  So if you want a good kiss-filled vacation, you know where to go — but don’t forget to brush your teeth!

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

A Kiss Can Be Bliss

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Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

  • Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
  • Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
  • Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
  • Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

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No matter how long you’ve been together, every relationship needs a healthy dose of flirting.

When most people think of flirting, they tend to think of their early days of dating when capturing each other’s attention and affection was of the utmost importance. However, flirting plays just as important a role in long-term relationships as it does before a couple’s attraction grows into love and turns into deep commitment. Without flirting, affectionate touches, and playful teasing, couples risk losing the spark and passion that separates romantic partners from platonic friends.

Here are ten easy ways to bring flirting back to your relationship:

Seduce Him

Remember when you used to get ready for a date by buying new lingerie or booking a blow-out at the salon? Get back to those days when you had so much fun seducing him, and allow yourself to experience the confidence boost that comes from looking and feeling your best.

Compliment Him On Something Unexpected

He knows that you find him attractive, but when is the last time you complimented his sexy forearms or marveled at his kisses or the way he holds you? Give him an unexpected compliment and you will boost his mood — and his ego — for the rest of the day.

Be Hands-On…Literally!

Grab his hand in the middle of the supermarket, stroke his thigh under the dinner table, or sexily hop on his lap while you are watching television. Touch him every chance you get, and seize all opportunities to be physically close. Let him know, clearly, that you can’t keep your hands off him.

Have a Naughty Fantasy

Sometimes the best way to rev up your sexual energy is to spend more time focusing on sexy thoughts. Allow yourself to have a naughty fantasy or read some erotica to inspire your sexual imagination, and then channel that surge of sexuality into your relationship by flirting with your mate.

Send a Flirty Text

Technology can sometimes serve as a distraction in a relationship, but it can also be used creatively to generate some sexy sparks between you and your partner. Send him a text during the middle of the day that says, “I can’t stop thinking about your …” or text him during the middle of a double date and say, “Let’s get out of here so we can be alone.”

Be More Vocal

Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so when he does something you love inside the bedroom (or outside the bedroom), speak up (in words and groans of delight) to let him know. Positive feedback is one of the best ways to generate more good vibrations. Just acknowledging your pleasure strengthens sexual attraction and intensifies your flirty behavior, and he will take it as a compliment.

Lose Some of the Clothes

If you are in the habit of wearing sweats to bed, it might be time to swap out your usual nightwear for something a little sexier. Rethink your bedroom wardrobe and opt to slip into a teddy or a sexy pair of boyshorts and casually put lotion on your legs while he watches…riveted.

Go Ahead, Flirt With the Waiter

(A little.) While flirting can sometimes cross the line — and cheating is never okay — a little flirtation with other men can go a long way to remind your mate how irresistible you are. Just be super-nice to the waiter or the mailman. It can give you a boost of confidence to see that other men find you sexy, and it will make your partner doubly glad that you are going home with him!

Share Fantasies

Take the chance to exchange some of your most erotic  imaginings with the idea of being open to trying them out. Tell your partner exactly what you want him to do, and then ask him to tell you as well. It will be highly erotic to discuss these hidden fantasies and will lead to you both receiving the touches and strokes you desire.

Be Bold and Make the First Move

Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move. If you want more flirting in your relationship, then you need to take the initiative and start flirting yourself. Your partner will likely respond by matching your playful, sexy mood. And flirting will become more organic and natural in your relationship.

 

 

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

10 Ways to Flirt With Your Mate

What is Your Attachment Style: Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure?

Learn more about attachment-style theory to discover more about how you and your partner relate and react when you are in relationship.

When we look for a partner, there’s a whole host of factors that play into the process. Our relationship and personal histories, for one — including romantic, familial, and even workplace — have a huge impact on our love lives.

Considering our diverse and varied experiences and the unique connection formed by two people, every relationship is completely different. Still, research shows that when it comes down to how we form and behave in relationships, pretty much everyone falls into one of three categories: anxious, avoidant, or secure. It’s called the attachment theory, and according to astudy published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, about 20 percent of people are anxious and roughly 25 percent fall into the avoidant camp, while the rest of the population are considered secure.

Anxious  People who have an anxious attachment style crave intimacy and closeness. They love being coupled, but they consider relationships fragile and are sensitive to even minor shifts in a partner’s mood and the subtle nuances of relationships. A little thing, such as a partner neglecting to call, leaves them feeling vulnerable and insecure. Anxious-attachment-style people generally have a harder time telling love interests what they want because they don’t want to rock the boat or create conflict. Instead, they’re more likely to mope, withdraw, or even lash out: They ignore the calls they so anxiously await or flirt with others to make their mates jealous. This method of reacting doesn’t bode well for creating communicative, stable relationships.

Avoidant  The behavior of avoidant types can often be difficult to predict. Deep down they do crave intimacy, but they often think this connection will rob them of their prized independence. People in this category may feel uncomfortable or suffocated if they sense love interests getting too close. Often this leads them to pull away.

Although avoidants may seem like prime candidates for eternal singlehood, they do want to form deep romantic connections. However, to protect themselves from potential heartbreak, they repress those feelings and create distance between themselves and their partners. For example, avoidants may feel annoyed or even angry if their partners seem “needy,” and they opt to keep them at arm’s length. Or they may get overly annoyed and focused on the “small stuff,”like how they don’t wipe down the sink or crack their gum. They may use these perceived flaws to temper their romantic feelings.

Secure  People who fall into the secure category are reliable, relationship oriented, and do a very good job at communicating what they want as well as responding to their partners’ needs. When disagreements crop up, secure people tend to stay calm and are ready to talk things out. They are comfortable with intimacy: So instead of shying away from conflict resolution, they are willing to address relationship problems and thus work to grow closer and deepen their bonds with others.

Let’s face it, not all of us have a secure attachment style. But if you don’t fall into this category, don’t fret. Based on our changing life experiences and deepening self-awareness (and often therapy ), you can shift your attachment style. It’s not rigid or immobile. Our relationship patterns constantly evolve and change.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

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What is the G-spot, how can I find it, and the mind-blowing blended G-spot orgasm?

You may never have encountered the G-spot before, but it is a peak hot spot on a woman’s body that leads straight to orgasm. And this type of vaginal orgasm can be unbelievably intense.

Still, some people question whether the G-spot really exists, and this is mostly because it is difficult to find if you are new to the terrain.

Finding Your G-Spot  The easiest way to locate your G-spot is by leaning or lying back while you insert a finger into your vagina. Your finger should be shaped like a hook, almost as if you are gesturing someone to come closer. If you feel around one or two inches in from the top of your vagina, you should find a spongy bump that feels different from the rest of the vaginal tissue.

Many women say that touching the G-spot, or urethral sponge, feels almost like touching the tip of their nose. Some women may feel the urge to urinate when the G-spot is stimulated, but this feeling usually subsides. Keep moving your finger around the inside of your vagina to get a better sense of its structure and texture.

Put Your Partner on the Path to Your Pleasure  Once you are comfortable locating your G-spot on your own, introduce it to your partner. Encourage him to explore, and build his confidence by letting him know what feels good. It’s actually easier to find the G-spot when you are aroused because the tissue fills with fluid and swells during arousal. You can guide him to the right place, first using his fingers, then during intercourse.

Achieving G-Spot Orgasm  G-spot orgasms generally require long, sustained stimulation, especially when you’re first starting to explore them. The man-from-behind position is great for G-spot stimulation, but remember that since it’s located on the belly-button side of the vagina, he needs to penetrate at an angle that pushes his penis against the front wall of the vagina.

A woman-on-top position, especially one in which you kneel over him and lean back, allows you to control the angle of penetration. Also, the CAT position, short for coital-alignment technique, provides a variation on the missionary position in which the rocking back and forth helps to provide consistent friction for G-spot stimulation. Don’t forget that the G-spot is fairly close to the entrance of the vagina, so he’s more likely to stimulate it through shallow penetration as the head of his penis rubs against it.

The G-Spot and the Blended Orgasm  Stimulating the G-spot is also a great complement to oral stimulation. When your partner is working your clitoris with his mouth, have him insert one or two fingers into your vagina with a gentle thrusting motion. If he tilts them upward slightly, he is likely to hit your G-spot and bring about some intense sensations that may ultimately result in a combined clitoral and vaginal orgasm — and even ejaculation.

Remember, the destination is less important than the journey. Let go of your intense focus on the goal, work to build pleasure and intimacy rather than stressing out, and enjoy finding your G-spot together!

Great Sex….Your G-Spot GPS