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Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Ask for What I Want In the Bedroom?

When you feel unfulfilled behind closed doors it can be difficult to speak up and tell your partner the truth.

couple discussing their sexual desires

Q: My partner is well-meaning, but he doesn’t know how to please me in the bedroom. How can I tell him what I want without offending him?

A: Many women struggle with asking their partners for what they want in the bedroom. Part of the problem is that women are used to being people-pleasers, even when it comes to sex. They shy away from owning their own pleasure and voicing their own needs, even though this cheats them out of enjoying sexual release and damages their relationships. Believe it or not, most men say their number-one sexual priority is making sure their partner is satisfied. Yep, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on, so it’s great that you are stepping up to the plate and looking for ways to help him do that.

First, make sure that you never, ever, fake orgasm. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are also being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you and when you deny him the right to do so, you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will find yourself more tense and irritable with him. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a woman to quietly resent her partner for not fulfilling her, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the “little white ones”) have no place in your relationship.

Skip all that deception and get right to the heart of the issue. Do so tactfully and subtly. For example, if you are watching a movie and you see a sultry sex scene that gets your heart racing, why not lean over to your partner and say, “I’d love to try that position with you tonight.” Or, if you are thumbing through a women’s magazine and see an article on sex tips that catches your eye, clip it out for him to read with a note that says, “Hope you are ready for this later!”

Next, you might try a hands-on approach…literally! When you are in the middle of a hot-and-heavy encounter and he seems to be missing your hot spots, pull back and say “I want to give you a sexy show.” Then, self-stimulate, being very careful to show him just how you like to be touched down there. Or, you might initiate a 69 session in which you tell him to imitate the licks and strokes you use on him. That way, you will both be receiving pleasure and he will be able to follow your lead.

You can also create a “fantasy box,” in which you each write down naughty and sexy fantasies. Slip them in the box and whenever things get humdrum, reach in and grab one of the slips of paper. Act it out to the best of your ability and bring your naughtiest desires to life!

Most importantly, just make sure that you are upfront and honest when trying to communicate your needs. Your partner wants to please you…help him out already!

Dr. Laura Berman

This is a topic that hits home to thousands of people across the nation, I being one of them and I felt compelled to post this article by well known sex therapist/counselor Dr. Laura Berman.

Do you have this problem, and if so what have you done about it?

– Jennifer Martin

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Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

  • Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
  • Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
  • Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
  • Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

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No matter how long you’ve been together, every relationship needs a healthy dose of flirting.

When most people think of flirting, they tend to think of their early days of dating when capturing each other’s attention and affection was of the utmost importance. However, flirting plays just as important a role in long-term relationships as it does before a couple’s attraction grows into love and turns into deep commitment. Without flirting, affectionate touches, and playful teasing, couples risk losing the spark and passion that separates romantic partners from platonic friends.

Here are ten easy ways to bring flirting back to your relationship:

Seduce Him

Remember when you used to get ready for a date by buying new lingerie or booking a blow-out at the salon? Get back to those days when you had so much fun seducing him, and allow yourself to experience the confidence boost that comes from looking and feeling your best.

Compliment Him On Something Unexpected

He knows that you find him attractive, but when is the last time you complimented his sexy forearms or marveled at his kisses or the way he holds you? Give him an unexpected compliment and you will boost his mood — and his ego — for the rest of the day.

Be Hands-On…Literally!

Grab his hand in the middle of the supermarket, stroke his thigh under the dinner table, or sexily hop on his lap while you are watching television. Touch him every chance you get, and seize all opportunities to be physically close. Let him know, clearly, that you can’t keep your hands off him.

Have a Naughty Fantasy

Sometimes the best way to rev up your sexual energy is to spend more time focusing on sexy thoughts. Allow yourself to have a naughty fantasy or read some erotica to inspire your sexual imagination, and then channel that surge of sexuality into your relationship by flirting with your mate.

Send a Flirty Text

Technology can sometimes serve as a distraction in a relationship, but it can also be used creatively to generate some sexy sparks between you and your partner. Send him a text during the middle of the day that says, “I can’t stop thinking about your …” or text him during the middle of a double date and say, “Let’s get out of here so we can be alone.”

Be More Vocal

Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so when he does something you love inside the bedroom (or outside the bedroom), speak up (in words and groans of delight) to let him know. Positive feedback is one of the best ways to generate more good vibrations. Just acknowledging your pleasure strengthens sexual attraction and intensifies your flirty behavior, and he will take it as a compliment.

Lose Some of the Clothes

If you are in the habit of wearing sweats to bed, it might be time to swap out your usual nightwear for something a little sexier. Rethink your bedroom wardrobe and opt to slip into a teddy or a sexy pair of boyshorts and casually put lotion on your legs while he watches…riveted.

Go Ahead, Flirt With the Waiter

(A little.) While flirting can sometimes cross the line — and cheating is never okay — a little flirtation with other men can go a long way to remind your mate how irresistible you are. Just be super-nice to the waiter or the mailman. It can give you a boost of confidence to see that other men find you sexy, and it will make your partner doubly glad that you are going home with him!

Share Fantasies

Take the chance to exchange some of your most erotic  imaginings with the idea of being open to trying them out. Tell your partner exactly what you want him to do, and then ask him to tell you as well. It will be highly erotic to discuss these hidden fantasies and will lead to you both receiving the touches and strokes you desire.

Be Bold and Make the First Move

Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move. If you want more flirting in your relationship, then you need to take the initiative and start flirting yourself. Your partner will likely respond by matching your playful, sexy mood. And flirting will become more organic and natural in your relationship.

 

 

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

10 Ways to Flirt With Your Mate

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What is the G-spot, how can I find it, and the mind-blowing blended G-spot orgasm?

You may never have encountered the G-spot before, but it is a peak hot spot on a woman’s body that leads straight to orgasm. And this type of vaginal orgasm can be unbelievably intense.

Still, some people question whether the G-spot really exists, and this is mostly because it is difficult to find if you are new to the terrain.

Finding Your G-Spot  The easiest way to locate your G-spot is by leaning or lying back while you insert a finger into your vagina. Your finger should be shaped like a hook, almost as if you are gesturing someone to come closer. If you feel around one or two inches in from the top of your vagina, you should find a spongy bump that feels different from the rest of the vaginal tissue.

Many women say that touching the G-spot, or urethral sponge, feels almost like touching the tip of their nose. Some women may feel the urge to urinate when the G-spot is stimulated, but this feeling usually subsides. Keep moving your finger around the inside of your vagina to get a better sense of its structure and texture.

Put Your Partner on the Path to Your Pleasure  Once you are comfortable locating your G-spot on your own, introduce it to your partner. Encourage him to explore, and build his confidence by letting him know what feels good. It’s actually easier to find the G-spot when you are aroused because the tissue fills with fluid and swells during arousal. You can guide him to the right place, first using his fingers, then during intercourse.

Achieving G-Spot Orgasm  G-spot orgasms generally require long, sustained stimulation, especially when you’re first starting to explore them. The man-from-behind position is great for G-spot stimulation, but remember that since it’s located on the belly-button side of the vagina, he needs to penetrate at an angle that pushes his penis against the front wall of the vagina.

A woman-on-top position, especially one in which you kneel over him and lean back, allows you to control the angle of penetration. Also, the CAT position, short for coital-alignment technique, provides a variation on the missionary position in which the rocking back and forth helps to provide consistent friction for G-spot stimulation. Don’t forget that the G-spot is fairly close to the entrance of the vagina, so he’s more likely to stimulate it through shallow penetration as the head of his penis rubs against it.

The G-Spot and the Blended Orgasm  Stimulating the G-spot is also a great complement to oral stimulation. When your partner is working your clitoris with his mouth, have him insert one or two fingers into your vagina with a gentle thrusting motion. If he tilts them upward slightly, he is likely to hit your G-spot and bring about some intense sensations that may ultimately result in a combined clitoral and vaginal orgasm — and even ejaculation.

Remember, the destination is less important than the journey. Let go of your intense focus on the goal, work to build pleasure and intimacy rather than stressing out, and enjoy finding your G-spot together!

Great Sex….Your G-Spot GPS