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Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Ask for What I Want In the Bedroom?

When you feel unfulfilled behind closed doors it can be difficult to speak up and tell your partner the truth.

couple discussing their sexual desires

Q: My partner is well-meaning, but he doesn’t know how to please me in the bedroom. How can I tell him what I want without offending him?

A: Many women struggle with asking their partners for what they want in the bedroom. Part of the problem is that women are used to being people-pleasers, even when it comes to sex. They shy away from owning their own pleasure and voicing their own needs, even though this cheats them out of enjoying sexual release and damages their relationships. Believe it or not, most men say their number-one sexual priority is making sure their partner is satisfied. Yep, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on, so it’s great that you are stepping up to the plate and looking for ways to help him do that.

First, make sure that you never, ever, fake orgasm. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are also being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you and when you deny him the right to do so, you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will find yourself more tense and irritable with him. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a woman to quietly resent her partner for not fulfilling her, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the “little white ones”) have no place in your relationship.

Skip all that deception and get right to the heart of the issue. Do so tactfully and subtly. For example, if you are watching a movie and you see a sultry sex scene that gets your heart racing, why not lean over to your partner and say, “I’d love to try that position with you tonight.” Or, if you are thumbing through a women’s magazine and see an article on sex tips that catches your eye, clip it out for him to read with a note that says, “Hope you are ready for this later!”

Next, you might try a hands-on approach…literally! When you are in the middle of a hot-and-heavy encounter and he seems to be missing your hot spots, pull back and say “I want to give you a sexy show.” Then, self-stimulate, being very careful to show him just how you like to be touched down there. Or, you might initiate a 69 session in which you tell him to imitate the licks and strokes you use on him. That way, you will both be receiving pleasure and he will be able to follow your lead.

You can also create a “fantasy box,” in which you each write down naughty and sexy fantasies. Slip them in the box and whenever things get humdrum, reach in and grab one of the slips of paper. Act it out to the best of your ability and bring your naughtiest desires to life!

Most importantly, just make sure that you are upfront and honest when trying to communicate your needs. Your partner wants to please you…help him out already!

Dr. Laura Berman

This is a topic that hits home to thousands of people across the nation, I being one of them and I felt compelled to post this article by well known sex therapist/counselor Dr. Laura Berman.

Do you have this problem, and if so what have you done about it?

– Jennifer Martin

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When is the best time to have sex? Most couples tend to think of nighttime, but you might be surprised to learn that there is even a more appropriate time to get busy.

 

 

Does your sex life need a wake-up call? If you and your sweetie are finding that daily stresses are taking their toll, morning sex may be just the answer you’re looking for.

You’re more rested and recharged after a night of sleep, and the two of you have been spending quality time lying next to each other all night long. The groundwork for intimacy has been laid, not to mention that you’re already in the right location. All you need to do is make that first move!

Another perk of sex in the a.m. is the effect of higher testosterone levels — they’re at their peak first thing in the morning. Remember, testosterone is fuel for the libido and improves genital sensation. Morning sex not only feels better, but the resulting endorphin high can put a smile on your face that lasts the rest of the day. So wake up and make a move in the morning!

Flirting in the A.M. and Beyond

Switching up your sexual routine might get you thinking about your partner in a whole new light. Flirting is oft-neglected in long-term relationships yet is a crucial part of staying sexually connected. Awakening your partner with a good-morning kiss is flirtatious, but when you turn that good morning kiss into good morning oral, you have definitely taken things to the next level. Consider other flirting tips:

Let your partner know you want her, such as by sending her a sexy text during the day. Make it as sweet or as naughty as you want, just remember to make your desire for her clear. Nothing is sexier than knowing that your partner wants you. Keep this sexual energy flowing by exchanging perfunctory pecks for deep, sensual kisses, and stay connected physically by touching her more often. Hold hands, make-out in the back of the movie theater, snuggle together on the couch as you watch television, and make time in the morning for some a.m. action.

Treat each other like lovers, not roommates. After years of living together, it’s easy to slip into a habit of wearing old sweatpants, letting your grooming slip, or even forgetting to shut the bathroom door. This can really wreak havoc on your relationship. Not only will you not feel sexy and desirable, but your partner won’t feel that you are sexually interested in him and his sexual self-esteem can suffer as a result. It’s important to treat each other as lovers, and not slip into a platonic roommate routine.

Get ready for date night. Ask your babysitter to come over an hour before you actually have to leave the house. This will give you time to get ready a leisurely pace and relax before the date. Take some time for yourself and maybe even take a hot bath. Get sexy energy flowing by reading a chapter or two of an erotic romance novel while you are in the tub, or just wear that sexy bra and panty set you have been saving for a special occasion.

What are you waiting for? Get your flirt on!


Jumpstart Your Day With Morning Sex

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Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

  • Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
  • Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
  • Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
  • Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

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No matter how long you’ve been together, every relationship needs a healthy dose of flirting.

When most people think of flirting, they tend to think of their early days of dating when capturing each other’s attention and affection was of the utmost importance. However, flirting plays just as important a role in long-term relationships as it does before a couple’s attraction grows into love and turns into deep commitment. Without flirting, affectionate touches, and playful teasing, couples risk losing the spark and passion that separates romantic partners from platonic friends.

Here are ten easy ways to bring flirting back to your relationship:

Seduce Him

Remember when you used to get ready for a date by buying new lingerie or booking a blow-out at the salon? Get back to those days when you had so much fun seducing him, and allow yourself to experience the confidence boost that comes from looking and feeling your best.

Compliment Him On Something Unexpected

He knows that you find him attractive, but when is the last time you complimented his sexy forearms or marveled at his kisses or the way he holds you? Give him an unexpected compliment and you will boost his mood — and his ego — for the rest of the day.

Be Hands-On…Literally!

Grab his hand in the middle of the supermarket, stroke his thigh under the dinner table, or sexily hop on his lap while you are watching television. Touch him every chance you get, and seize all opportunities to be physically close. Let him know, clearly, that you can’t keep your hands off him.

Have a Naughty Fantasy

Sometimes the best way to rev up your sexual energy is to spend more time focusing on sexy thoughts. Allow yourself to have a naughty fantasy or read some erotica to inspire your sexual imagination, and then channel that surge of sexuality into your relationship by flirting with your mate.

Send a Flirty Text

Technology can sometimes serve as a distraction in a relationship, but it can also be used creatively to generate some sexy sparks between you and your partner. Send him a text during the middle of the day that says, “I can’t stop thinking about your …” or text him during the middle of a double date and say, “Let’s get out of here so we can be alone.”

Be More Vocal

Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so when he does something you love inside the bedroom (or outside the bedroom), speak up (in words and groans of delight) to let him know. Positive feedback is one of the best ways to generate more good vibrations. Just acknowledging your pleasure strengthens sexual attraction and intensifies your flirty behavior, and he will take it as a compliment.

Lose Some of the Clothes

If you are in the habit of wearing sweats to bed, it might be time to swap out your usual nightwear for something a little sexier. Rethink your bedroom wardrobe and opt to slip into a teddy or a sexy pair of boyshorts and casually put lotion on your legs while he watches…riveted.

Go Ahead, Flirt With the Waiter

(A little.) While flirting can sometimes cross the line — and cheating is never okay — a little flirtation with other men can go a long way to remind your mate how irresistible you are. Just be super-nice to the waiter or the mailman. It can give you a boost of confidence to see that other men find you sexy, and it will make your partner doubly glad that you are going home with him!

Share Fantasies

Take the chance to exchange some of your most erotic  imaginings with the idea of being open to trying them out. Tell your partner exactly what you want him to do, and then ask him to tell you as well. It will be highly erotic to discuss these hidden fantasies and will lead to you both receiving the touches and strokes you desire.

Be Bold and Make the First Move

Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move. If you want more flirting in your relationship, then you need to take the initiative and start flirting yourself. Your partner will likely respond by matching your playful, sexy mood. And flirting will become more organic and natural in your relationship.

 

 

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

10 Ways to Flirt With Your Mate

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Erectile difficulties are common with age, but there are ways to safeguard your sexual health.

Sex undergoes a transformation for both men and women as their bodies gets older and hormone levels change. Men might find that it takes longer to gain an erection or that orgasms are not as intense. They might also find that the refractory time — the period of time after orgasm in which it takes a man to achieve an erection again — increases.

In addition, it is not uncommon for a male’s sexual identity to go through some changes with age. Once a driving force in their lives, sex might become less of a priority or simply less frequent because it is not as enjoyable or an erection isn’t easily attainable.

Some men are willing to take this in stride — it’s as if they believe that sex has an expiration date! Fortunately, this is not the case, and there are many ways to help ensure that you enjoy healthy erections and powerful orgasms throughout your life.

Consider the following:

Talk to your doctor. If you are experiencing sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction, then it’s important to talk to your doctor. Not only will your doctor be able to offer you invaluable treatment, but erectile dysfunction can also be a sign of other health issues — such as vascular disease. Your sexual health is inherently tied to your physical and emotional health, so it’s important to make sure that your body is functioning at its best across the board.

Change your expectations. If you believe that your sexual experiences are going to suffer due to aging, then you are likely to live up (or down) to those expectations. However, the truth is that there is no reason to suppose that your sexual enjoyment has to end just because you are aging. Certainly, things will slow down a little and you might have to put in a little more effort, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to enjoy your sexuality and connect with your partner in a physical way.

Liberate yourself. As people age, they find that certain sex positions are no longer possible or comfortable. This is particularly true if you suffer from mobility issues or sore joints. Luckily, there are tools out there that can help you to circumvent these problems. Consider the Liberator, sex furniture that offers a variety of different shapes, sizes, and angles to help treat everyone’s unique physical concerns.

Take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself physically, you will feel the effects of this in the bedroom. But if you eat a healthy diet, exercise, effectively manage stress, and get a good night’s sleep every night, you will be more primed for sexual activity. You should also make sure that you are taking your medications correctly and ask your doctor about possible sexual side effects from your current prescriptions. (Blood-pressure medications, chemotherapy drugs, diuretics, antidepressants, and antihistamines are just a few of the prescriptions that have been linked with sexual side effects.)

Stay in tune with your sexual side. Part of the reason that aging is associated with lack of sexual activity is because people lose their partners as they age and find themselves facing singledom for the first time in decades. It’s important not to allow your grief to prevent you from finding love and affection in the future; but until you feel ready to begin dating again, you should consider staying in tune with your sexual needs through self-stimulation. Sex really works on a “use it or lose it” basis; so if you allow your sexuality to fall by the wayside during this time, it will be more difficult to recapture it again in the future.

Remember, there is no reason why you can’t enjoy sex well into your golden years and beyond. There is no such thing as a sexpiration date!

For Guys: Erections and Aging

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What is the G-spot, how can I find it, and the mind-blowing blended G-spot orgasm?

You may never have encountered the G-spot before, but it is a peak hot spot on a woman’s body that leads straight to orgasm. And this type of vaginal orgasm can be unbelievably intense.

Still, some people question whether the G-spot really exists, and this is mostly because it is difficult to find if you are new to the terrain.

Finding Your G-Spot  The easiest way to locate your G-spot is by leaning or lying back while you insert a finger into your vagina. Your finger should be shaped like a hook, almost as if you are gesturing someone to come closer. If you feel around one or two inches in from the top of your vagina, you should find a spongy bump that feels different from the rest of the vaginal tissue.

Many women say that touching the G-spot, or urethral sponge, feels almost like touching the tip of their nose. Some women may feel the urge to urinate when the G-spot is stimulated, but this feeling usually subsides. Keep moving your finger around the inside of your vagina to get a better sense of its structure and texture.

Put Your Partner on the Path to Your Pleasure  Once you are comfortable locating your G-spot on your own, introduce it to your partner. Encourage him to explore, and build his confidence by letting him know what feels good. It’s actually easier to find the G-spot when you are aroused because the tissue fills with fluid and swells during arousal. You can guide him to the right place, first using his fingers, then during intercourse.

Achieving G-Spot Orgasm  G-spot orgasms generally require long, sustained stimulation, especially when you’re first starting to explore them. The man-from-behind position is great for G-spot stimulation, but remember that since it’s located on the belly-button side of the vagina, he needs to penetrate at an angle that pushes his penis against the front wall of the vagina.

A woman-on-top position, especially one in which you kneel over him and lean back, allows you to control the angle of penetration. Also, the CAT position, short for coital-alignment technique, provides a variation on the missionary position in which the rocking back and forth helps to provide consistent friction for G-spot stimulation. Don’t forget that the G-spot is fairly close to the entrance of the vagina, so he’s more likely to stimulate it through shallow penetration as the head of his penis rubs against it.

The G-Spot and the Blended Orgasm  Stimulating the G-spot is also a great complement to oral stimulation. When your partner is working your clitoris with his mouth, have him insert one or two fingers into your vagina with a gentle thrusting motion. If he tilts them upward slightly, he is likely to hit your G-spot and bring about some intense sensations that may ultimately result in a combined clitoral and vaginal orgasm — and even ejaculation.

Remember, the destination is less important than the journey. Let go of your intense focus on the goal, work to build pleasure and intimacy rather than stressing out, and enjoy finding your G-spot together!

Great Sex….Your G-Spot GPS

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Female sexuality is mysterious, so it’s no wonder that men struggle to understand a woman’s sexual responses.

The female body is complicated and mysterious, and this is especially true when it comes to sex and orgasm. Many women don’t understand their anatomy or sexual response, so it’s no surprise that men are even more baffled about what makes a woman tick sexually. And, thanks to myths and urban legends, misinformation only further complicates a man’s understanding of the female body.

Here are the top-ten female-orgasm myths that many men still believe:

Intercourse Should Always Lead to Orgasm

Intercourse alone usually does not lead to orgasm. Only 30% of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone. The rest need added clitoral stimulation to achieve pleasure.

All Positions Are Created Equal

Not so! There are some positions that make female orgasm much more likely, such as woman-on-top, as it gives her the added clitoral stimulation she needs to reach orgasm.

Women Can Easily Reach Orgasm

Pornography and Hollywood movies make the female orgasm seem effortless and straightforward. However, the truth is that most women need up to 20 minutes to become aroused and orgasmic, which is why foreplay is so important.

Vibrators Are a Replacement for a Man

Sex aids can help to greatly improve your partner’s sexual experience as well as your own. However, vibrators are not a replacement for a man, and they cannot help your partner achieve the same feelings of intimacy and pleasure.

Women Don’t Like Quickies

While most men can reach orgasm faster than a woman can, this doesn’t mean that quickies aren’t fun or that they cannot serve a purpose in your relationship. If you don’t have time for foreplay or a full-on sex session, a quickie can keep you bonded and close for the time being.

Condoms Complicate Sex and Delay Orgasms

Recent advancements in condom manufacturing have make condoms thinner and less noticeable than ever before.

You Can Always Tell if a Woman Is Faking

Not always! Some women deserve an Oscar for their acting performances; however, it’s important to remember that faking orgasm cheats both of you. Ask your partner if she likes what you are doing or if she needs a different touch to reach orgasm.

Women Like Only Soft, Gentle Sex

Sometimes they do, but sometimes they also want sex that is more animalistic and wild. Explore that side of your partner’s fantasies by asking her what she wants and taking the lead.

Women Can Easily Achieve Multiple Orgasms

Unlike a man, a woman doesn’t need a refractory period before she can be orgasmic again. However, it’s not always easy to achieve one orgasm, let alone many! Hence, while some women are multi-orgasmic, not every woman knows how to harness that power. Practice makes perfect!

The Goal of Sex Is to Have an Orgasm

Don’t think of orgasm as the destination. Sex should be about the journey and being in the moment. Stay attuned to your partner’s body and the sensations of closeness and passion, and let your orgasm and hers happen when they happen. Remember, there is no “right” time or way to achieve orgasm. Every individual and every orgasm is unique.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

The Top 10 Female Orgasm Myths…That Men Still Believe

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The parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are two parts of the autonomic nervous system that keep us in balance and help power our sex lives.

Sexuality is a multifaceted interplay of the body and the mind. While it’s no secret that everything from hormones to happiness can affect our arousal, the vital function of the nervous system is often overlooked.

Understanding the Autonomic Nervous System  The body is equipped with a special branch of the nervous system called the autonomic nervous system, which is vital for the health and well-being of the human body as it maintains a state of balance. The autonomic nervous system is divided into two separate systems: the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system.

The sympathetic nervous system mediates sexual arousal, reaction to emergencies, and vigilance by increasing your heart rate, boosting your blood pressure, and speeding up your breathing. It’s responsible for the classic “fight-or-flight” response, which is mediated by two main chemical messengers, epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine.

The parasympathetic nervous system, in contrast, primarily counters the sympathetic one by mediating the body’s calming and relaxing functions. Eat a big meal, take a nap, meditate, and the parasympathetic is kicking in, slowing down your heart rate, breathing, and so on.

How the Parasympathetic and Sympathetic Nervous Systems Work (or Don’t Work) Together  The parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems usually function in opposition to one another, creating a balance within the human body. For example, when the heart receives neural stimulation from the parasympathetic nervous system, the heart slows down. On the flip side, when the heart receives neural stimulation from the neurons of the sympathetic nervous system, the heart will speed up.

Problems occur when the autonomic nervous system is out of balance. For example, overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous system can lead to such problems as anxiety, hypertension, and digestive disturbances. Overstimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system can result in low blood pressure and fatigue..

How Sexual Function and Dysfunction Are Tied to the Autonomic Nervous System  Like the rest of the body’s functions, for both women and men, sexual response is affected by both the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, and proper sexual function requires an impressive amount of choreography between these two branches of the autonomic nervous system. During arousal, blood flow to the pelvis and genitals increases when the blood vessels relax, and this results in an erection for men and increased blood to the prostate. In women, it creates lubrication and engorgement of the clitoris and other spongy tissue.

When they work in conjunction, these two systems work great, yet mental and emotional factors that are involved in our sexual responses send other signals to our brains. For example, during times of stress, the male becomes too anxious to establish enough parasympathetic input to the penis to get an erection in the first place. The result is stress-induced impotence.

In another scenario, a man can manage to get an erection but then becomes anxious about something, and things rapidly shift from calm, vegetative parasympathetic to adrenaline-surge sympathetic. Things have gone too fast, and he suffers from either loss of erection or premature ejaculation (or both).

Women can experience painful intercourse, lack of desire, and a number of other side effects from an imbalance of the two systems. While it’s difficult in the heat of the moment to think about the science behind your sexual response, it’s always important to remember that there are a number of factors affecting your sexuality.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

What Are the Parasympathetic and Sympathetic Nervous Systems?

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Pheromones are subconscious and silent sex cues that can help you feel attracted to someone, or send you running.

 

Pheromones are mysterious chemical signals that are released into the air by humans and animals alike. They are used to send subconscious messages and have been linked to everything from ovulation cycles to physical attraction. Some perfumes and colognes containing pheromones are marketed to people who are looking to attract the opposite sex.

However, while the science of pheromones is still relatively new, it seems that there is no way to exactly duplicate your own personal pheromones. They are as much a part of your genetic makeup as your hair color or your skin tone. In fact, researchers have recently discovered an olfactory nerve that they believe is the route through which pheromones are processed. Cranial nerve zero, as it is called, bypasses the olfactory area of the brain where scents are normally processed. Instead, it is linked straight to the area of the brain that processes sexual cues and creates attraction. Turns out, nerve zero isn’t a typical scent sensor; instead, it seems to be used to interpret sexual cues from potential mates.

But what are these sexual cues, and what exactly is nerve zero looking for? For one thing, we are more likely to be attracted to people whose scent is dissimilar to our own. Family members often share similar chemicals, so our attraction to differing chemical makeup suggests that sexual cues evolved to protect close family members from procreating together. On the other hand, pregnant women have been shown to be more drawn to people with similar chemical makeup, which might be due to the fact that during this crucial time, women are more apt to seek out family members than potential mates.

Furthermore, couples who have high levels of chemicals in common are more likely to encounter fertility issues, miscarriage, and infidelity. The more dissimilar your chemical makeup is from your partner’s, the better chance you will have of successfully procreating and staying together.

So how can you create the scent that will keep you and your partner in the land of happily ever after? Unfortunately, you can’t. Perfumes and colognes can’t fool nerve zero — the scents that humans and animals are attracted to are intangible and instinctive. Even the most expensive designer perfume can’t fool Mother Nature. When it comes to sexual attraction, nature’s nerve zero knows best.

However, if you are taking a hormonal contraceptive, you might be bucking an evolutionary tide. Women who are on the pill are more likely to be attracted to men with similar chemical makeup — most likely because their bodies are fooling them into believing they are pregnant, and so much like actual pregnant women, their nerve zero leads them to kin, not mates. So if you were on the pill when you met your mate, you might possibly experience a diminishing attraction when you cease taking it.

Only time will tell what role nerve zero plays in future sex research, but one thing is for sure: love is in the air!

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Pheromones Give Off Sexual Cues

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Some psychologists believe that our attraction to our partners is tied to early experiences and crushes from our childhood.

 

Psychologist John Money coined the term “love map” to describe one’s blueprint for the perfect mate, both sexually and otherwise. It is the unconscious outline in your mind of what love should look like. Your love map is mostly the result of early childhood preferences and experiences. Much of it was imprinted before you knew what to make of it — a delicious smell, a beautiful hair color, a great sense of humor. It is a map of what is significant to you sensually, based on what resonated with you as a child.

Your love map is pretty fluid until about age seven and then solidifies in its most fundamental form. However, love maps can be redrawn throughout your developmental years as a result of big events or relationships in your life. Your first love might set a pattern of attraction, either because it went so well or so wrong. Or your parents’ divorce and your dad’s subsequent emotional departure might cause you to seek out unavailable men.

Understanding your love map can help you have better relationships. When you and your partner fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, it’s for a variety of reasons — both good and bad. The upside of being with someone who fits the outline of our love map is that we get to experience that frenzied, euphoric lust that sparks between two people who have a unique chemistry. The downside is that we may be drawn to someone who resurrects conflicts, big or small, from our childhood. It’s why we’re able to fall madly in love, only to find ourselves in a relationship tangle that seems impossible to manage.

Since our love maps are outlined before we even reach adulthood, they are generally based on watching the model of our parents’ relationship or from childhood crushes and societal structures. If you grew up with parents who exhibited a healthy and loving relationship, you will likely draw certain positive subconscious (and conscious) conclusions about what a relationship should look like. You will also gain very personal ideas about how men and women should treat each other, including how sexual attraction should manifest in a relationship.

Of course, few people have a perfectly idyllic childhood, but this doesn’t mean that your love map is doomed from thestart. Even if your parents didn’t have an amicable marriage, you might have gained valuable insights and a clear idea of what you want and need from a partner. Perhaps your love map might lead you to choose partners who challenge you or partners who make you look deeply at yourself and become the best you can be.

To make sure that you are following a healthy love map, it’s important to first examine what qualities attract you to someone and why. Identify the major factors that have influenced your love map, learn what you need and expect in a relationship, and commit yourself to finding a relationship that meets your expectations and needs in a healthy way. Like the old saying goes, those who don’t understand history are doomed to repeat it… especially when it is your history!

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

What Is Your Map to Perfect Love?