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Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

  • Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
  • Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
  • Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
  • Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

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Female sexuality is mysterious, so it’s no wonder that men struggle to understand a woman’s sexual responses.

The female body is complicated and mysterious, and this is especially true when it comes to sex and orgasm. Many women don’t understand their anatomy or sexual response, so it’s no surprise that men are even more baffled about what makes a woman tick sexually. And, thanks to myths and urban legends, misinformation only further complicates a man’s understanding of the female body.

Here are the top-ten female-orgasm myths that many men still believe:

Intercourse Should Always Lead to Orgasm

Intercourse alone usually does not lead to orgasm. Only 30% of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone. The rest need added clitoral stimulation to achieve pleasure.

All Positions Are Created Equal

Not so! There are some positions that make female orgasm much more likely, such as woman-on-top, as it gives her the added clitoral stimulation she needs to reach orgasm.

Women Can Easily Reach Orgasm

Pornography and Hollywood movies make the female orgasm seem effortless and straightforward. However, the truth is that most women need up to 20 minutes to become aroused and orgasmic, which is why foreplay is so important.

Vibrators Are a Replacement for a Man

Sex aids can help to greatly improve your partner’s sexual experience as well as your own. However, vibrators are not a replacement for a man, and they cannot help your partner achieve the same feelings of intimacy and pleasure.

Women Don’t Like Quickies

While most men can reach orgasm faster than a woman can, this doesn’t mean that quickies aren’t fun or that they cannot serve a purpose in your relationship. If you don’t have time for foreplay or a full-on sex session, a quickie can keep you bonded and close for the time being.

Condoms Complicate Sex and Delay Orgasms

Recent advancements in condom manufacturing have make condoms thinner and less noticeable than ever before.

You Can Always Tell if a Woman Is Faking

Not always! Some women deserve an Oscar for their acting performances; however, it’s important to remember that faking orgasm cheats both of you. Ask your partner if she likes what you are doing or if she needs a different touch to reach orgasm.

Women Like Only Soft, Gentle Sex

Sometimes they do, but sometimes they also want sex that is more animalistic and wild. Explore that side of your partner’s fantasies by asking her what she wants and taking the lead.

Women Can Easily Achieve Multiple Orgasms

Unlike a man, a woman doesn’t need a refractory period before she can be orgasmic again. However, it’s not always easy to achieve one orgasm, let alone many! Hence, while some women are multi-orgasmic, not every woman knows how to harness that power. Practice makes perfect!

The Goal of Sex Is to Have an Orgasm

Don’t think of orgasm as the destination. Sex should be about the journey and being in the moment. Stay attuned to your partner’s body and the sensations of closeness and passion, and let your orgasm and hers happen when they happen. Remember, there is no “right” time or way to achieve orgasm. Every individual and every orgasm is unique.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

The Top 10 Female Orgasm Myths…That Men Still Believe

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We crave our partner’s touch for a variety of reasons.

 

 

Touch is the most conspicuous of the five senses when it comes to exploring sex. Unlike with the other senses, sex simply cannot happen on a physical level in the absence of touch.

However, touch is far more than intercourse alone. The bonds of intimacy are woven through many different kinds of touch — including a familiar pat on the back, a quick squeeze of the hand and the somnolent cuddling that puts us in full-body contact with a lover. Inside the bedroom and out, touch is a powerhouse for intimacy.

The Science of Touch  Biological anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, a research professor in the department of anthropology at Rutgers University, eloquently writes in her book The Anatomy of Love: “Human skin is like a field of grass, each blade a nerve ending so sensitive that the slightest graze can etch into the humanbrain a memory of the moment.” The act of touching is a physiological and hormonal phenomenon that paves the way to good sex. Physical contact releases oxytocin, appropriately nicknamed the cuddle hormone. Since oxytocin spikes in response to touching, the more you touch, the better you feel and the more you want to touch.

When Words Won’t Work, Try Touch  Touch communicates in a way that words can’t. As women, we want to talk things out when faced with a relationship hurdle (often until we’re hoarse!). Men can find this to be more than a little frustrating. Sometimes, nonverbal communication is far more powerful than anything we could say. Touch can make words superfluous. Have you ever had a truly magical kiss? Or how about the wonderful feeling of your partner’s embrace when you least expect it? Touch sends the “I love you” message to our brains and relaxation to our bodies. This is so important to remember, especially when words have been pushing you and your partner apart, rather than together.

Being wanted and desired is what most of us long for at the end of the day. When intimacy breaks down, touch can fall by the wayside. Too many couples get caught in a sexual and emotional standoff: he’s not getting the physical contact he wants and she’s not getting the emotional intimacy she wants. Touch can help end the stalemate.

Use Touch to Get What You Both Want  When you take the lead and act more affectionate, your partner is going to feel loved and noticed and, as a result, will be more responsive to you. Women tend to crave more nonsexual touching, like a little backrub on the couch or holding hands as we do a daily errand together. He’ll start to get the idea if you initiate more contact with him (not to mention give him some extra loving in the bedroom!).

Of course, touch heightens the sensory experience during sex too. Skin is the largest organ we have. Almost any body part can feel sexual if touched in the right way. Try blindfolding each other and take turns touching and being touched to soak up the sensation. Also, experiment with textures like silk sheets or a feather tickler.

Touch can open up a whole new world for your relationship: Just reach out and touch yoursomeone…

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Love Is a Hands-on Experience

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Our eyes often lead us to pursue our passions, love, and desires.

 

From “love at first sight” to “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” our language is filled with expressions that capture sight’s crucial role in our romantic lives.

A person’s appearance often inspires romantic interest in the first place. A certain someone catches our eye and we’re off! The brain gets all wound up and the heart goes aflutter. The pursuit of love, or at the very least sex, is ignited by the delicious sense of sight. We write a love letter, buy new lingerie, and sensually undress, all in worship of the wonders of sight.

There are far subtler ways that sight bewitches and beguiles. Eye contact is a primary communicator of interest or a lack thereof. When we fancy someone, we usually look and look away before maintaining eye contact for just slightly longer than normal.

When you see someone you like, make a point to linger just a little once you make eye contact, if only for a few seconds. And it’s not just for seducing new love interests. Send your current partner a strong message by looking deeply into his eyes while across the dinner table or at a crowded party with your friends. Think intimate thoughts and he’ll feel the burn of your gaze.

Look into the Heart of the Soul  A tantric technique known as soul-gazing is used to transmit sexual energy and healing. Give it a try! Sit comfortably facing your partner and gaze into each other’s eyes. Focus on the left eye, above the heart. You can place a hand over each other’s heart to synchronize your breathing too. You’ll find the eyes make a straight line to the heart.

Guys Lead With Their Eyes  When it comes to sexuality, men are known to be more visual beings than women. Evolutionary theory has it that physical appearance was the best way for prehistoric man to size up a fertile mate. The markers of such fertility still ring true today:healthy skin, bright eyes, symmetrical features, even childbearing hips. We haven’t strayed too far from the caveman ideal.

However, sight is the supreme sex sense for women too, but in another way. Our own body-image drives our experience as sexual beings. A woman’s body-image is formed early in life. How we are perceived by others, be they parents, peers, or other important people in our lives, plays a powerful role in our image of ourselves. At puberty, our looks become meaningful in a way we may not have been aware of earlier. It is both powerful and destructive.

As women, we are so vulnerable to sight that it drives our sexual feelings, as well as how we feel about ourselves. We prepare our bodies and faces for visual inspection by shaving our legs, choosing the right outfit, and doing our hair and makeup. It’s a self-esteem thing that drives our sexual confidence inside the bedroom and out.

The good news is that most women come into a sense of their own as they get older. It’s true — and somewhat ironic — that women report feeling more confident in their appearance at middle age than they did when they were younger and more “conventionally attractive.” It’s as if we discover a confidence we never knew existed. We finally see our own beauty, as others have seen it in us for years.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Our Eyes Can Shape the Way We Feel

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Although men and women both experience increased blood flow to the genitals when aroused, the process of getting to orgasm is different.

 

When men and women become aroused, our bodies change in perceptible and imperceptible ways to prepare for intercourse. As we become aroused, our bodies go into the “excitement” phase. Your breath will become shorter and faster and your heart rate will increase. If you continue being aroused, you will move into the “plateau” phase.

In this stage, the vagina will swell and become lubricated, while a man’s penis will become engorged with blood. The woman’s cervix will actually rise slightly, in preparation for penetration.

The next stage is the “climax” phase, when intense feelings of pleasure begin and you lose voluntary muscle control. You and your partner will experience genital muscle contractions and a sense of euphoria.

Finally, you move to the “resolution” phase. Your breathing and heart rate return to normal and blood flows away from the genital region, returning both of your genitals to their pre-sex state.

Although the male and female bodies respond to sex similarly (through increased blood flow to the genitals, etc.), our minds might be prepped differently for intercourse.

According to urban legend, men think about sex every three minutes. Men don’t necessarily have thoughts about the sexual act this often, but they are having thoughts of a sexual quality. For instance, they may see a woman walk down the street and wonder what her breasts look like without a bra or what another looks like naked. When it comes to sex, men are generally like sprinters, easily stimulated and ready to run the lap as fast as their legs can pump. Once the lap is completed, they must rest before they can perform again. Women, on the other hand, are like marathoners — it takes us a while to get warmed up, but once we get going, we can last for hours and hours!

While some men can become orgasmic in less a few a minutes, women can take up to 20 minutes to reach their arousal peak. You can manage this difference in arousal sequence by being more hands-on when it comes to achieving your own needs in the bedroom. For instance, if you know that you only have time for a quickie before the kids come home from school, choose a position in which you can help yourself along through clitoral stimulation.

Most importantly, ladies, remember that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm! No matter how or when you have an orgasm (after intercourse, before intercourse, manually, orally, etc.), just embrace the pleasure and the bond it creates! Don’t worry about whether it is expertly choreographed, as sex rarely occurs so smoothly. And, if it did, it wouldn’t be very interesting, now would it?

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Orgasms for Everyone: How Men and Women Become Aroused

Aside

Our eyes often lead us to pursue our passions, love, and desires.

 

From “love at first sight” to “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” our language is filled with expressions that capture sight’s crucial role in our romantic lives.

A person’s appearance often inspires romantic interest in the first place. A certain someone catches our eye and we’re off! The brain gets all wound up and the heart goes aflutter. The pursuit of love, or at the very least sex, is ignited by the delicious sense of sight. We write a love letter, buy new lingerie, and sensually undress, all in worship of the wonders of sight.

There are far subtler ways that sight bewitches and beguiles. Eye contact is a primary communicator of interest or a lack thereof. When we fancy someone, we usually look and look away before maintaining eye contact for just slightly longer than normal.

When you see someone you like, make a point to linger just a little once you make eye contact, if only for a few seconds. And it’s not just for seducing new love interests. Send your current partner a strong message by looking deeply into his eyes while across the dinner table or at a crowded party with your friends. Think intimate thoughts and he’ll feel the burn of your gaze.

Look into the Heart of the Soul  A tantric technique known as soul-gazing is used to transmit sexual energy and healing. Give it a try! Sit comfortably facing your partner and gaze into each other’s eyes. Focus on the left eye, above the heart. You can place a hand over each other’s heart to synchronize your breathing too. You’ll find the eyes make a straight line to the heart.

Guys Lead With Their Eyes  When it comes to sexuality, men are known to be more visual beings than women. Evolutionary theory has it that physical appearance was the best way for prehistoric man to size up a fertile mate. The markers of such fertility still ring true today:healthy skin, bright eyes, symmetrical features, even childbearing hips. We haven’t strayed too far from the caveman ideal.

However, sight is the supreme sex sense for women too, but in another way. Our own body-image drives our experience as sexual beings. A woman’s body-image is formed early in life. How we are perceived by others, be they parents, peers, or other important people in our lives, plays a powerful role in our image of ourselves. At puberty, our looks become meaningful in a way we may not have been aware of earlier. It is both powerful and destructive.

As women, we are so vulnerable to sight that it drives our sexual feelings, as well as how we feel about ourselves. We prepare our bodies and faces for visual inspection by shaving our legs, choosing the right outfit, and doing our hair and makeup. It’s a self-esteem thing that drives our sexual confidence inside the bedroom and out.

The good news is that most women come into a sense of their own as they get older. It’s true — and somewhat ironic — that women report feeling more confident in their appearance at middle age than they did when they were younger and more “conventionally attractive.” It’s as if we discover a confidence we never knew existed. We finally see our own beauty, as others have seen it in us for years.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Our Eyes Can Shape the Way We Feel

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Attraction results from the unique information gathered by all our senses.

Did you ever wonder what attracts you to one sort of person over another? What causes that feeling of alluring familiarity with someone you have just met…someone to whom you are inexorably drawn? Why can someone have everything you think you want, yet leave you feeling flat? Dr. John Money, a world famous sexologist from Johns Hopkins University, invented a concept known as “love maps” that helps explain why we feel that certain pull toward someone without knowing why.

But just what is a love map made of? It’s a product of early childhood experiences delivered to us via the five senses, then activated later on by those very same senses. For instance, you walk into a crowded room and someone catches your eye. Or you feel the pangs of attraction when someone is wearing familiar cologne. If the senses are like paint to a canvas, a love map would be the complete landscape. The legend to your love map looks like this:

Sight: Studies show we tend to be attracted to people who look like our parents and even ourselves.

Smell: Pheromones, the smells that fly below the conscious radar, alert us to compatible mates and make us feel lustful, without quite knowing why.

Sound: The words of parents, teachers, and peers we admired (and certainly those we had crushes on) in early school days shape our emotional needs and self-image.

Taste: Food is a powerful metaphor for sex. Our real appetite and our sexual appetite are related in more ways than one. Freudian oral fixations abound.

Touch: We develop a craving for intimacy that is based in part on how we were touched and cuddled as children by our parents.

A love map may be what triggers the right hormones and neurotransmitters for romance. In fact, different circuits in the brain are lit up during lust and love. The picture of a brain in love is far more complex than that of a brain in lust. You don’t just want sex; you want the person because he affects you in a way that is hauntingly familiar.

Love maps may alert us to who’s the best fit, romantically speaking, but it doesn’t mean finding your soul mate makes love easy. Relationships take work! The chemicals at play in the early days of lust and attraction fade over time for every couple, no matter how much their maps coincide. However, you can recapture that feeling of euphoria by injecting some novelty back into your relationship.

Whether it’s a trip to an exotic location, bungee jumping, or ballroom dancing, the idea is to engage in new experiences together. Force yourself to leave behind that sense of predictability about what comes next. Thrill-seeking restores the thrill!

It works inside the bedroom too. Pretending you don’t know each other leaves room for surprise. Pushing yourself to change up a tired sexual routine restores the electricity of each other’s touch.

Love is often described as an experience that sets the body and the mind ablaze: The neurons are firing “we’re interested!” and the hormones are saying “we want to mate!”

The strongest electricity occurs when all five of the senses are activated, and that ushers in the sixth sense of sex: attraction. That’s when your love map really lights up!

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

The Chemical Symphony of Attraction