Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Ask for What I Want In the Bedroom?

When you feel unfulfilled behind closed doors it can be difficult to speak up and tell your partner the truth.

Q: My partner is well-meaning, but he doesn’t know how to please me in the bedroom. How can I tell him what I want without offending him?

A: Many women struggle with asking their partners for what they want in the bedroom. Part of the problem is that women are used to being people-pleasers, even when it comes to sex. They shy away from owning their own pleasure and voicing their own needs, even though this cheats them out of enjoying sexual release and damages their relationships. Believe it or not, most men say their number-one sexual priority is making sure their partner is satisfied. Yep, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on, so it’s great that you are stepping up to the plate and looking for ways to help him do that.

First, make sure that you never, ever, fake orgasm. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are also being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you and when you deny him the right to do so, you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will find yourself more tense and irritable with him. Indeed, it is not uncommon for a woman to quietly resent her partner for not fulfilling her, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the “little white ones”) have no place in your relationship.

Skip all that deception and get right to the heart of the issue. Do so tactfully and subtly. For example, if you are watching a movie and you see a sultry sex scene that gets your heart racing, why not lean over to your partner and say, “I’d love to try that position with you tonight.” Or, if you are thumbing through a women’s magazine and see an article on sex tips that catches your eye, clip it out for him to read with a note that says, “Hope you are ready for this later!”

Next, you might try a hands-on approach…literally! When you are in the middle of a hot-and-heavy encounter and he seems to be missing your hot spots, pull back and say “I want to give you a sexy show.” Then, self-stimulate, being very careful to show him just how you like to be touched down there. Or, you might initiate a 69 session in which you tell him to imitate the licks and strokes you use on him. That way, you will both be receiving pleasure and he will be able to follow your lead.

You can also create a “fantasy box,” in which you each write down naughty and sexy fantasies. Slip them in the box and whenever things get humdrum, reach in and grab one of the slips of paper. Act it out to the best of your ability and bring your naughtiest desires to life!

Most importantly, just make sure that you are upfront and honest when trying to communicate your needs. Your partner wants to please you…help him out already!

— Dr. Laura Berman

This is a topic that hits home to thousands of people across the nation, I being one of them and I felt compelled to post this article by well known sex therapist/counselor Dr. Laura Berman.

Do you have this problem, and if so what have you done about it?

– Jennifer Martin

Slow down and engage in some erotic foreplay.

Foreplay is not only fun and exciting, it also helps to ensure that both you and your partner have an amazing time and are that much closer to reaching orgasm. I always say that if men are like microwaves, then women are like slow-cooking ovens. For most men, all it takes is the mere suggestion of sex and they are ready to go, but women are a little different. Not only do their bodies often take longer to respond, but they also need some time to make the mental switch from “mommy” or “corporate star” to “sex kitten.”

It doesn’t help that women are often multitasking machines, which means that they have a million things running through their heads at any given time during the day or night. Letting go of that to-do list and getting into a sexy frame of mind isn’t as easy as hitting a switch, and that’s where foreplay can help. Here’s how:

• Begin by making sure that you will have enough time to enjoy foreplay before the main event. Just a mere 10 or 15 minutes can make all the difference. Not all of this foreplay needs to be physical. You can also use this time to unwind, cuddle with each other, have a glass of wine, kiss, or talk. (Dirty talk preferably!) It will be a lot easier for both of you to feel sexual and enjoy the moment if you aren’t still stressed out over work or worrying about the kids. Take a few minutes to put the world on pause, breathe deeply, and reconnect. Think of this as mental foreplay.
• Men, try running your fingers gently along your partner’s back or in between her thighs. Kiss her along her breasts or neck. Spend time engaging the erogenous zones, and when it’s your turn, simply lie back and enjoy the sensations your partner’s fingers and tongue can create.
• Don’t feel like you need to be the “giver” or that you are selfish if you enjoy your partner’s advances. Instead of thinking of receiving pleasure as selfish, think of it as a way for your partner to feel connected and intimate with you. Notice how he enjoys making you feel good, and how much more bonded and sensual you feel when pleasure is a two-way street. Think of foreplay as a dance: You each have a role to play and steps to perform, and it shouldn’t be a solo routine for either of you.
• Foreplay doesn’t have to begin right before sex, or even in the bedroom. If you know that you don’t have time for sex, or if you are somewhere you can’t have sex (the middle of a restaurant, a wedding, etc.), you can tease your partner by giving him just a little taste of what’s to come. Give him a deep kiss when no one is looking, lay your hand on his thigh, or whisper to him what you want to do when you get back to your bedroom.

You don’t want to rush through foreplay; nor do you want to feel like there is a set amount of time you have to fill. If you are attune with each other’s bodies, it should be natural and evident when it is time to move on, and the switch from foreplay to sex should be organic and smooth.

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Great Foreplay Makes the Wait Worthwhile

Erectile difficulties are common with age, but there are ways to safeguard your sexual health.

Sex undergoes a transformation for both men and women as their bodies gets older and hormone levels change. Men might find that it takes longer to gain an erection or that orgasms are not as intense. They might also find that the refractory time — the period of time after orgasm in which it takes a man to achieve an erection again — increases.

In addition, it is not uncommon for a male’s sexual identity to go through some changes with age. Once a driving force in their lives, sex might become less of a priority or simply less frequent because it is not as enjoyable or an erection isn’t easily attainable.

Some men are willing to take this in stride — it’s as if they believe that sex has an expiration date! Fortunately, this is not the case, and there are many ways to help ensure that you enjoy healthy erections and powerful orgasms throughout your life.

Consider the following:

Talk to your doctor. If you are experiencing sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction, then it’s important to talk to your doctor. Not only will your doctor be able to offer you invaluable treatment, but erectile dysfunction can also be a sign of other health issues — such as vascular disease. Your sexual health is inherently tied to your physical and emotional health, so it’s important to make sure that your body is functioning at its best across the board.

Change your expectations. If you believe that your sexual experiences are going to suffer due to aging, then you are likely to live up (or down) to those expectations. However, the truth is that there is no reason to suppose that your sexual enjoyment has to end just because you are aging. Certainly, things will slow down a little and you might have to put in a little more effort, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to enjoy your sexuality and connect with your partner in a physical way.

Liberate yourself. As people age, they find that certain sex positions are no longer possible or comfortable. This is particularly true if you suffer from mobility issues or sore joints. Luckily, there are tools out there that can help you to circumvent these problems. Consider the Liberator, sex furniture that offers a variety of different shapes, sizes, and angles to help treat everyone’s unique physical concerns.

Take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself physically, you will feel the effects of this in the bedroom. But if you eat a healthy diet, exercise, effectively manage stress, and get a good night’s sleep every night, you will be more primed for sexual activity. You should also make sure that you are taking your medications correctly and ask your doctor about possible sexual side effects from your current prescriptions. (Blood-pressure medications, chemotherapy drugs, diuretics, antidepressants, and antihistamines are just a few of the prescriptions that have been linked with sexual side effects.)

Stay in tune with your sexual side. Part of the reason that aging is associated with lack of sexual activity is because people lose their partners as they age and find themselves facing singledom for the first time in decades. It’s important not to allow your grief to prevent you from finding love and affection in the future; but until you feel ready to begin dating again, you should consider staying in tune with your sexual needs through self-stimulation. Sex really works on a “use it or lose it” basis; so if you allow your sexuality to fall by the wayside during this time, it will be more difficult to recapture it again in the future.

Remember, there is no reason why you can’t enjoy sex well into your golden years and beyond. There is no such thing as a sexpiration date!

For Guys: Erections and Aging

Although men and women both experience increased blood flow to the genitals when aroused, the process of getting to orgasm is different.

 

When men and women become aroused, our bodies change in perceptible and imperceptible ways to prepare for intercourse. As we become aroused, our bodies go into the “excitement” phase. Your breath will become shorter and faster and your heart rate will increase. If you continue being aroused, you will move into the “plateau” phase.

In this stage, the vagina will swell and become lubricated, while a man’s penis will become engorged with blood. The woman’s cervix will actually rise slightly, in preparation for penetration.

The next stage is the “climax” phase, when intense feelings of pleasure begin and you lose voluntary muscle control. You and your partner will experience genital muscle contractions and a sense of euphoria.

Finally, you move to the “resolution” phase. Your breathing and heart rate return to normal and blood flows away from the genital region, returning both of your genitals to their pre-sex state.

Although the male and female bodies respond to sex similarly (through increased blood flow to the genitals, etc.), our minds might be prepped differently for intercourse.

According to urban legend, men think about sex every three minutes. Men don’t necessarily have thoughts about the sexual act this often, but they are having thoughts of a sexual quality. For instance, they may see a woman walk down the street and wonder what her breasts look like without a bra or what another looks like naked. When it comes to sex, men are generally like sprinters, easily stimulated and ready to run the lap as fast as their legs can pump. Once the lap is completed, they must rest before they can perform again. Women, on the other hand, are like marathoners — it takes us a while to get warmed up, but once we get going, we can last for hours and hours!

While some men can become orgasmic in less a few a minutes, women can take up to 20 minutes to reach their arousal peak. You can manage this difference in arousal sequence by being more hands-on when it comes to achieving your own needs in the bedroom. For instance, if you know that you only have time for a quickie before the kids come home from school, choose a position in which you can help yourself along through clitoral stimulation.

Most importantly, ladies, remember that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm! No matter how or when you have an orgasm (after intercourse, before intercourse, manually, orally, etc.), just embrace the pleasure and the bond it creates! Don’t worry about whether it is expertly choreographed, as sex rarely occurs so smoothly. And, if it did, it wouldn’t be very interesting, now would it?

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

 

Orgasms for Everyone: How Men and Women Become Aroused

When it comes to sexual desire, people often wrongly assume that all men are ready for action anytime.

 

Not all men are created equal — in the bedroom anyway.

Many people wrongly believe that all men are easily aroused, easily pleased, and of course, easily finished. So much of our media exposure and Hollywood mythology about male sexuality portrays guys as horndogs whose main focus is having sex — and lots of it — and moving on. Male sexual desire is rarely as straightforward and simplistic as the media make it out to be. While it might be true that certain men can become aroused and satisfied quickly, there is much more to male sexual desire than that.

Famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson created a model of the sexual-desire process in the 1960s. According to their research, humans experience sexual desire within these four stages:

 

1. Excitement phase — in which a person’s desire is peaked, either through stimulation, fantasy, or a combination of the two
2. Plateau phase — in which desire increases but orgasm is not quite reached
3. Orgasm
4. Resolution phase — post-orgasm stage

 

They later discovered another stage that occurs only in men, called the refractory period. It’s the stage after orgasm, a cooling-off period men need before they are able to become erect again — as opposed to women, who are capable of multiple orgasms. However, this is not the only difference between the genders. Researchers now argue that while women can climb up and down the sexual-desire stages (from excitement to plateau to orgasm to excitement again), men have a more linear sexual experience. In other words, once they become aroused, they seek satisfaction immediately.

While it might be true that men and women perceive men’s sexual process this way, the truth is that it is completely possible for a man to slow down his desire and experience a more sensual and fulfilling side of sex. In fact, when dealing with male sexual dysfunction issues such as early ejaculationthe most helpful treatment is for a man to learn how to draw out his sexual response and get in touch with discovering his point of no return. Using a scale from 1 to 4, a man usually will climb from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4, but he could train himself to climb up and down the sexual desire scale from 1 to 2 and back again; this will lengthen his intercourse sessions and make his orgasms that much more intense and pleasurable.

Other people argue that male sexual desire also differs from female sexual desire in that their excitement stage often requires direct and visual stimulation. While a woman might be easily aroused from a racy story or a naughty fantasy, men might require more physical or clear stimulation, such as an X-rated movie or oral pleasure from their partner. Perhaps this is because men are simply used to receiving this stimulation, while women are used to internalizing their desires and utilizing fantasy in the bedroom. Or perhaps men are just hardwired to seek out the attributes they find desirable. Whatever the case, differing sexual-desire models among the sexes can lead to some complications in the bedroom. For instance, while the man can be satisfied with direct stimulation or the sight of his partner in the buff, she might need something more, such as foreplay, romance, or perhaps even a bit of fantasy. Understanding the differences between the male and female sexual experiences can help couples to navigate these issues and create the most satisfying sexual interactions possible.

 

Source: Dr. Laura Berman

Understanding Male Sexual Desire